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Things Ents are totally incapable of and why - by Fladrif-(V)
Middle-earth Food Ads - started by Eol-(V)
Answering Machine Messages - by Laurelin Caline-(T)
Adjusting - started by Eowyn-(V) and Varda-(Valar)
The Pint of Eggnog - story by Laurelin Caline-(T)
The Tough Guide to Fantasy Land - by Diana Wynn Jones. Additions by Menelvagor-(Valar) and Wildlife.
Tombstone humor - started by Ar-Pharazon-(V)
Middle-earth Vacation Spots - started by Varda-(Valar)
Movie humor (outside link)

Things Ents are totally incapable of and why:

by Fladrif-(V)
July 5, 2009

    0.  Sitting down.
 So nicely flexible as they are.
    1. Quick meetings.
 Don't invite an Ent if you plan to do something else the next two weeks.
    2. Horse riding.
 Flat horse syndrome tends to happen.
    3. Keeping track of the partner. Lets stay in the forest they'll come back...400 years have passed
hey wait where are they?
    4. Drinking tea with hobbits. It will cause some extra ventilation for the hobbit house when it's raining..
    5. Going unseen. Standing on the market square of Minas Tirith.
    6.  Being seen. Standing in the middle of Fangorn Forest.
    7. Making campfires. Even the sound of a Nazgul is more friendly then the popping of a campfire.
    8. Being friends with the Golden King of Numenor.
 For obvious reasons, although for every rule there is an exception.
    9. To look like an Ent. It always ends up looking like an evil human whichever MMORPG is tried.
  10. Traveling abroad. Herders of all trees, as if there are no trees in Mordor! (psst don't tell them the truth or they will truly never start to travel)
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Food:

Moria Combo Meal

by Eol-(V)

    "Burger King celebratest the release of The Lord of the Rings with a New Combo Meal!
    Trekking across Middle-earth can work up a big appetite, but now adventurers of all sizes can satisfy that hunger with the Moria Combo Meal.
    It's an exciting taste that bards will sing of for ages to come! We've taken our flame broiling to the extreme with the new Balrog Burger. It's grade A beef seasoned with the hottest peppers and spices from the world over, then seared to perfection. It's Balrog served up hot and juicy, just like Gandalf would!
    Good thing our Moria Combo comes with an icy cool Ent Draught, the latest refreshing soft drink from Coca Cola!
    And no meal would be complete without our golden, crispy Frodo Fingers! They're America's Favorite.
    Plus, each Moria Meal comes with a secret prize. But if you find the One Ring, you'd better get that Combo to go!
    The Moria Meal, for a limited time, only at Burger King."

Any other menu suggestions?
--Eol
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Answering Machine Messages

by Laurelin Caline-(T)
July 2003

Gandalf:
“Hello, you’ve reached the ol’ wizard. I’m on an errand right now, fighting Wargs and Goblins. Please don’t bother taking a message, for I won’t be around for a couple of years. I hope I do see you then; until our next meeting.

Bilbo:
Hi! You’ve reached Bilbo Baggins. I am off onto yet another journey to Rivendell, or I may be helping dwarves find their long-lost home. Oh, no, I’m probobly petting my Ring.
If you are Gollum; I’ve still got sting by my side, so don’t you try taking my ring!
But if you have gotten my old Ring please press 2; I should very much like to hold it again one last time.
If you are a mindless hobbit: don’t even bother leaving a message: I don’t want any visitors, well wishers, or people of distant relations bothering me!
If you are Gandalf press 3, and I expect you to leave a message this time before badgering in with some measly Dwarves puckering me off on another adventure!
I hope you will live happily ever after, until the end of your days! Goodbye!

Frodo:
Hello! You’ve reached Frodo Baggins (a.k.a. Ringbarer, or Halfling) I am off to Mordor to destroy the One Ring. Please throw me a party when I return, for I would have saved the world.
Oh and ya, please don’t forget to have a fill-in buddy trim the hedges and plant flowers while I’m gone; Sam is coming with me.

Pippin:
Hullo! I’m off eating a Dubble-King-Mac or off on an adventure. Oh, no! I couldn’t be… I’m hungry…. I might be out lifting carrots, tomatoes, cabbage, and mushrooms from Mr. Maggot’s crops…. Mmmm…. That’s making me hungry. I think I need my second-breakfast. Goodbye!

Nazgûl:
Hello people of the real word. Come to us. We have candy for you. Bring us the Ring. You cannot hide. We see you!

Aragorn:
Aiya. Hello. I am Aragorn, High King of Gondor, Chieftain of the Dúnedain, Elessar, Elfstone, Evinyatar, The Renewer, the Healer, Estel, Hope, Strider, Wingfoot, Thorongil, King of the West, Dúnedan, the Deliverer…… beeepppp….

Sam:
Hello. You’ve reached Sam Gamgee the Gardener. I am out right now planting and tending Frodo’s garden, call back or leave a message:
Press 1 if you’d like to do business with me.
Press 2 if you’re Rosie and would like to marry me.
Press 3 if you’d like me to run for mayor… again!
Thank you for calling!

Sauron:
I am the Ruler of the World. I shall diminish all living things and rule them all in shadow. I will wear again the Ring of Power and punish those who held it against me. It is my Precious. My own. My One Ring that will rule them all:
Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,
ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
And so it will be.
There is no life out in the Void… only cold… only death.
…. This message will self-destruct…..

Gollum:
My preciuouss it’s lossst… me wants it! It’s mine! My Birthday present! Bilbo tooks it! Give it back to me! Lossst! Mine! Gives it back! Gives it to meeeeeeee….. this message is over……

Arwen:
This is to Aragorn: I will not give up. Not that easily. There is still hope left. So don't you give up on me. May the Evenstar protect you and remind you of me. I will meet you once again. Maybe so....  Ú i vethed... nâ i onnad. Boe bedich go Frodo. Han bâd lîn. (This is not the end... it is the beginning. You must go with Frodo. That is your path.) Si peliannen i vâd na dail lîn. Si boe ú-dhannathach. (It is already laid before your feet. You cannot falter now.)
Ae ú-esteliach nad... estelio han. Estelio ammen. (If you trust nothing else... trust this. Trust us.)
A si i-Dhúath ú-orthor. Ú or le a ú or nin. (The Shadow does not hold sway yet, not over you and not over me.)

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Adjusting to Being in the Fellowship

Legolas:
    -by Eowyn-V and Varda-Valar, Jan 24, 2004:

    Legolas looks back to see the rest of the Fellowship break through and flounder in the snow: "I can't take you anywhere!"

    The half-blind party can't see the crebain or the orcs coming. The crebain are just another cloud to them.  So Legolas tries to figure out what the party's eyesight range is so he doesn't have to do all the guard duty day and night.  "Can you see them now? How about now?" In exasperation, he shoots an orc and props it in front of Gimli. "Now?"

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The Pint of Eggnog

by Laurelin Caline-(T)
August 9, 2003 

    Many years ago, in the Kitchens of Mt. Doom, Sauron the Dark Lord mixed, in secret, a glass of Eggnog. One that he would drink and never thirst.
    "What orders from the Kitchen, my Liege, what does the chef command?" the Orc, Zerg, asked Sauron.
    "Build me a cup worthy of Maia Eggnog!" Sauron proclaimed.
    "As you wish, sire," said Zerg.

    They worked for many days and finally they were finished. Sauron was about to take a sip, but in that moment, a man dressed in lion cloth came swinging by on a vine and took the cup from Sauron’s hand. Isildur took the Eggnog. Sauron's thirst would yet be quenched, for he had put a spell on it so all others who glanced at his drink would be tempted to take it, and return it to his hands so he might be refreshed.

    Isildur was killed by orcs who deeply desired to have a sip, leaving the drink by a river. Many years past, and the Cup had been forgotten. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new drinker! Gollum took it deep into the freezers of the Misty Mountains and there, he dehydrated. For all that he dared to do was stare.

    Bilbo came along, disturbing the peace of the alone and starving Gollum, singing rap music…
“All the homies in the pad
betta understand
that I’m Bilbo
with one O
and I’m the man.

Cook me up a storm tonight
Betta hold me girl so tight
That’s a pillow
Cuz I ain’t got no
Girl, yea”
    “Hello Rapssssey… you look tasty…” Sméagol said, coming out of the drkness.
“Heak no!
I don’t think so!
You betta let me go or I’ll have a fro!
Dude, don’t mess with the Hair, yo!”
    “Sssssss… what’s thisssss…”
“I’m a Hobbit, dude,
you should know!
Don’t be so rude
In cases, I’ll tell you so.
I live in a hole
Where I can’t find a mole
And I was happy.”
    “Sure he wasss happy… precious!”
“Yes happy!
What’s with the hissing dog?
Are you a snake
Or did you just do a lot of kissing?
I guess no, or you’d be pumped
But you’re jus plain dumped.”
    “Whatsss doesss he wantsss precious?”
“I wanna go,
and neva return
but I might burn
in the exotic heat
I cannot leave and disappear,
Unlike my cousin Took Chad,
But I gotta get outa here!”
    “We can helpsss you…”
    “Hey, dude! Are you for real?”
    “Sure, let me getsss my Birthday Present…”
    “Really? Yu’re da Bomb Man!” Bilbo remarked as Smeagol left to get his drink. But Bilbo felt his earlier hunger come back to him, so he decided to raid Gollum’s refrigerator and he came to a cold cup of Eggnog! Surprisingly he didn’t drink it, for eggnog was his desire, but rather the thought of taking it for himself and treasuring it… and that’s exactly what he did…

    60 years later.... in the Shire:

    "This is the One Eggnog. Made by the Dark Lord Sauron in the Kitchens of Mount Doom! It was supposed to be Marmalade, but something went wrong and made this tempting.... fizzy... Eggnog!” Gandalf explained to Frodo.
    "Bilbo found it... in Gollum's refrigerator!" Frodo said, coming to the realization that Bilbo’s stories weren’t the exact truth.
    Gandalf threw it into the fire and took it out.
    "Hold out your hand Frodo, it's quite cool!"
    "It's so thick and creamy…." Frodo said, as he was about to take a sip.
    "Frodo, no!"
    "I'm sorry, Gandalf. It's just so tempting!"
    "That is why you must take it to the River, only there can you dump it. If it makes its way back to Sauron, he won’t diminish. And he will try to rule the Earth!"
    "All right. How hard can it be?"

    Frodo went to his dearest friend Samwise’s house to bring him on the journey. They set off, and headed for the river. It was located east of Gondor and west of Mordor, dividing the lands apart.
    Through many dangers they smuggled out, and to their doom they went, which passed over their heads in the form of shadow. Just as they were making their way to the edge of the river, they came to notice that there was a pack of armed Orcs on the watch.
    "The Rock and Pool is nice and cool. So good for drinks. We only wish to have a glass of eggnog. So juicy sweet!" the Orc, Zarf, was singing to himself by the water.
    “Halt! What do you bear?” Zuz, another Orc, called out.
    “N-n-n-nothing important. That is a cup of Eggnog made by a Dark Lord and a message… something about the end of the world but… Please, Mister Orc sir, don’t hurt me!” Sam quickly blurted out. The Orcs looked around in surprise. “There I go again! ‘Whenever you open your mouth, put a glass of Ale into it! And right enough… we only have an evil cup of eggnog! Oh well!”
    “So... this is the answer to all the riddles. Here by the water I have you, two halflings and a host of Orcs at my call. The One Eggnog within my grasp,” Zuz, an Orc, said trippingly.
    “The Troops are dehydrated, we call for free refills,” Zarf said to Zuz
    "Give up the half-pint she-man!" Zuz called out.
    "This, my friend, is a pint and it is not lightly thrown aside," Frodo said in defense.
    "I'll give your name and number to the Nazgûl. Are you frightened?"
    "I do not fear them," Frodo said with hope.
    “Is he going to die?” Pippin asked Merry while watching.
    “He’s fading!” Merry answered as Frodo dipped his finger in the cup and vanished.
    Frodo reappeared in the bushes next to Merry. "I can avoid being seen if I wish," Frodo said laughing. He handed the cup to Merry. “This is the One Cup of Eggnog, and I’ve got it!” he ended as he went to help Sam.
    “It’s going cold!” Merry whined, passing it to Pip.
    “Hey! It’s stuck to my hand!” Peregrine cried trying to detach it from his hand. “Cool! I’m like spiderman!”

    At the Riverbed…

    “Where did your mutt-friend go to?” Zuz said to Sam.
    "If you want it, come and claim him!" Sam said while holding a dummy of Frodo.
    In this moment the Nazgûl appeared. "What would make you surrender? Howz about a kingdom of... MUSHROOMS?"
    "Mushrooms!! Where?" Pippin said hopping out from the bushes and running to the River with the cup still in hand. “Ooppss..”
    "What's this? A halfling caught off his guard?" The Nazgûl asked..
    "Cold be heart and hand and bone. Could be travelers with eggnog far from home," Pippin answered. “Now what about Mushrooms?”
    "Yesss.... tasty, juicy.... MUSHROOMS! Come, let Nazgûl have the eggnog, come on."
    “What can I dine upon? I only have an ice cube and one of those little umbrellas you put in a Martini… besides, there is nowhere appropriate that we could sit!”
    "If anyone asks for my opinion, which I know they're not! I'd say we should drink it and be gone!" Merry said, popping out of the Bushes.
    "No that would kill us! Kill ussss!" theNazgûl said.
    “Ok, then. What are we waiting for? Drop it in the River and let’s go!” Sam urged, whispering to Frodo.
    Frodo called out: “Ok, give up the mushrooms and you get a drink!”
    “Ummmm… no!” the Lord of the Nazgûl said.
    "I'll drop it!" Pippin yelled, holding the cup over the water.
    "No!! Stupid fat hobbit! Ok, we give mushrooms, we get Eggnog!” Frodo received the mushrooms and Pippin brought it over to them, but accidentally dumped it in the river, unable to detach the cup from his hand.
    “Geee… thanks!” Frodo laughed.
    "Trickssy hobbits make Nazgûl ashamed... tricksy...false...."
    To their surprise, the Nazgûl faded. But to their life-dooming surprise, the Orcs survived.
    “Uh-oh!” Pippin said. “What are we to do now!?”
    “Run!” Zuz answered and smiled, walking towards them. But the Orcs caught them first and took them into the treachery rooms.

    “Hullo Pip! So you’ve come on this expedition too?” Merry asked Pippin, not recognizing he was also caught. “Where do we get bed and breakfast?”
    “These mountainsides are quite a catch.” Sam said looking at the cliff they were nailed to like pictures on a wall.
    “Nothing dampens your spirit, does it Sam?” Frodo answered.
    “Those rain clouds might. But I want to hear of the story of Frodo and the Glass of Eggnog.”
    “Oh, yes, my friend. That’s a great story. Where to begin? … Long ago, in the Kitchens of Mt. Doom…”

    The End  
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The tough guide to Fantasy Land, for those who don't have a magic sword handy.

Guide written by Diana Wynn Jones (submitted by Ar-Pharazon-(V)) februari 11, 2005

Aragorn: 'I've got a magic sword actually, so I'll stick with that if you don't mind. Even if it's broken.'
(found on the back of the guide)
Gimli: 'Would have been a lot more use on the quest than three Elven hairs'
(found on the back of the guide)
Frodo: 'You could've given me that before I got stuck in Emyn Muil and having to hook up with Gollum to get out.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Legolas: 'I'm a walking talking guide, you know.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Nazgûl: 'Would have saved a lot of time locating the Shire.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Gandalf: 'I would have preferred a phone book, Shadowfax can only run so fast.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Balin: 'I bet ya a Balrog in Moria isn't mentioned, is it?'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Balrog of Moria: 'I bet it doesn't tell when those pesky dwarves decide to show up again.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Elrond: 'I would have to discuss the use of that in the White Council.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Boromir: 'It's wondrous how such a small thing can have so much power.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Ar-Pharazon: 'I hope it mentions the Forgotten Caves. Someone needs to wake me up soon, all this sleeping is making me sleepy.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Gollum: 'The Ring!!! I losssst it! *flips pages* That filthy hobbit sssstole it!! *flips more pages* Where issss it?? *finds recipe for cooked rabbit* Noooooo! Ussselesssss book! Ruining juicy rabbit! *throws book away*'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Treebeard: 'A book! BAARRRUUMM!! All those trees killed for this! I used to know them from acorn! BAARRRUUMM!!'
Pippin: 'Keep your friends close and your drink closer. The same could be said about this book. Saves a lot of problems where they think you are underage and you can show them what a Hobbit is.'
(submitted by Wildlife)
Merry: 'I hope it doesn't say pipeweed is one of the best things to come out of the ground in years. Less for me to have if it does.'
(submitted by Wildlife)
Theoden: 'It's outdated, doesn't say Saruman has gone evil. But good thing to know that the Ents do care!'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Beren: 'Good to have a map of Thangorodrim, saves a lot of searching for Morgoth to steal a Silmaril or two.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))

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What you would put up on your Tombstone as your Tolkien Character.

Idea submitted by Ar-Pharazon-(V)

Ar-Pharazon's tombstone:
"Arphy you can do anything,"
is what Sauron said.
I attacked the gods,
and now I'm pretty dead.

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Humorous remarks on the movie

Link provided by Haleth-(V). Written by Dr. Oxford, fictional character.
After consideration, Varda and I found the entire list a bit too much resembling someone just flaming, so here are Menelvagor's picked quotes from that page, plus the link if you're willing to brave our warning.

The Asbestos Wizard, II.
    The giant fire beast thing at the end of part 1 was breathing a firey breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival or mating.
Magic Mechanics.
    Experts on the occult say in order for a wizard to floorspin a fully-grown man like Gandalf, he'd need three magical staffs, not two.
Weighty issues.
    AKA "Plot Hole No. 273." Even with all that walking and light eating, the character of Sam only got fatter.
Rationalization for violence.
    Why, in part 1, is the black octopus creature painted as the bad guy when it attacks, when one of the Fellowship had clearly been throwing rocks at it?

You are warned, this is not for the feeble minded or the weak of heart!

Send Tolkien jokes and links to Menelvagor  and/or Varda
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